Can You Afford to Get Married? Can You Calculate the Costs?

I hate to disappoint you, but I’m not going to be discussing the costs of an actual wedding here. I’m not going to share with you ways to save money while preparing for your special day. I’m not even going to give financial advice at all, but I hope you’ll keep reading because marriage comes with some hidden costs (in the fine print of the Bible) and if we aren’t careful, we may find ourselves paying handsomely for our decisions.

When my husband and I got engaged we were happy and in love. We were also blissfully ignorant of just how much getting married could cost us. We thought life would be simply beautiful together, our connection effortless and our bedroom romps oh so dreamy. We’d planned to live happily ever after believing love would carry us through every conflict, financial issue, disappointment, etc… Boy were we wrong! While we were strong in the area of our commitment to one another and communication skills, we didn’t have a clue about the basic set of tools required to ensure our marriage would be blessed. However, after 7 months of Christian premarital counseling, we both left our last session with a thought that may surprise you. We both agreed, and still to this day believe that a person who wants to get married has to be clinically insane! Call us crazy. Being in love, especially with God, can make you that way.

Now I know that sounds pretty harsh, but when you are given a realistic picture of God’s expectation for a couple as husband and wife and then you learn the consequences of disobedience to His will…it’s like you are putting a great big bullseye on your backs. Once I tell you some of the costs you may have to incur after marriage, you will see that you really have to be either crazy or truly obedient to God in order to get married. Now I know those two things sound pretty contradictory, but my purpose is not to deter you from marriage. I just want you understand God’s expectation for YOU in his plan for marriage. I don’t want you to walk blindly into marriage simply because you feel like you are in love or it’s been long enough or whatever reason you may have. I want you to empower yourselves with the armor you will need to fight the good fight of faith in marriage. I implore you consult God in your decision for two reasons: 1) marriage may not even be in his plan for your life and 2) marriage will be the second most important decision you’ll ever make in your life.

So, just what are these costs that a married couple can incur? What exactly do you stand to gain or lose when you get married? I can think of 3 very heavy costs (I am sure there are more) that each of us needs to calculate before we get married. We need to understand how and why these costs can be so expensive and how paying them can either strengthen or weaken a marriage. So here goes…

1. Your marriage may cause you to anger, have weakened relationships with or even lose family and friends. Genesis 2:24 states, “For this cause a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will be come one flesh.” This is known as the “leave and cleave principle” and it reappears several times throughout scripture (Mark 10:6-9, Ephesians 5:31, Matthew 19:5). It is God’s will that under the covenant of marriage, the connection between husband and wife is the strongest of all human relationships. It takes precedence over the relationships you have with your mother, your father, your children, any of your family members and definitely your friends. There are only 3 entities within your marriage: husband, wife and God. The marriage relationship has to take priority over all of your other relationships in order for a husband and wife to operate as one body. A marriage should mirror Christ’s relationships with His Church. And we all know that Christ’s ONLY concern was His church. He let NO ONE and NOTHING come before it or in between. As a husband it is your duty to display loving authority and spiritual leadership in your marriage (1 Corinthians 11:3). As a wife, it is your role to submit to your husband’s leadership as it is fitting in the Lord (Colossians 3:18). You may have to put your mother-in-law and friends in their places which could be pretty uncomfortable. You’ll definitely need to stop sharing all of your spouses’ less than desirable behaviors with your bestie. You’ll have to basically keep everyone’s noses out of your marriage. Trust me, everyone will not be respectful of this choice, which could cost you the relationships you have with your close friends and family. I’m not saying you can’t value the opinions of others when it comes to marriage, but what I’m saying, is that a marriage is a covenant with God, not your best friends. A marriage is something to be guarded, protected and kept sacred. You can’t have everyone all up in your business telling you what they think and how they would have handled a certain situation. You have to go to God first as your family and your friend.

2. Your actions towards your wife can hinder your prayers. I am specifically talking to the men here. God meant for husbands to always consider the value of their wives (Proverbs 18: 22 and Proverbs 31:10). He wants husbands to love their wives in a self-sacrificial manner (Ephesians 5:25-33). He wants husbands to be considerate and treat their wives with respect (1 Peter 3:7). He wants husbands are to be faithful to their wives (Proverbs 5:19, Malachi 2:14). Because God asks all of these things of husbands, the act of having a loving attitude/behavior towards your wife (even when you don’t feel she’s worthy of love) is an act of service to God, not just to your wife. Peter writes in his letter to the church that husbands should treat their wives according to biblical principles or their prayers could be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). In other words, the way we treat our spouse can have real consequences. I’m not saying that God will never answer a prayer when your are disobedient to His will for marriage. What I am saying is that if you do not treat your wife accordingly, there is a real possibility that your prayers will be hindered. I don’t know a single Christian who could get along well in this life, without being able to be in constant communication with God. I personally can’t imagine, trying to deal with the consequence of not being able to get my prayer heard or answered based on my actions towards my spouse. Before you marry, you need to know that there are behaviors that could cause God to turn His ear away from your prayers. Imaging how lonely and empty it must feel not to be able to speak one on one with the Father. One has to constantly ask himself if he is treating his spouse with love and respect (Ephesians 5:33).

3. You give up control of your body to your spouse. And there is bullseye number 3. It’s like sending an invitation that says, “Dear Satan, please bring temptations into my marriage.” I’m not joking… 1 Corinthians 7:5 literally says, “…come together again so that Satan will not tempt you…” This reference is about sex. God wants married couples to have regular sexual intercourse as one means of strengthening the marriage. Sex displays an act of love and faithfulness towards one another. Because Satan is Satan and he hates everything that marriage stands for, he will use any means necessary to drive apart what God has brought together. The Scripture says, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7: 3-5) This is probably one of the most expensive costs of marriage because of the possible outcomes. Realistically, our desire for sex may not be equal to that of our spouse. Our kids, our jobs, our other obligations may make us too tired for sex. We may even be holding anger or resentment towards our spouse that keep us from desiring sex. But, while making excuses for not having sex, the marriage environment can become unsafe and result in physical and emotional stress that may lead to adultery. Sex needs to be a priority because is prevents  this temptation and also prevents God’s wrath in response to sexual sin. Sex makes a statement that says, “Devil, keep your hands off of our marriage.”

I’d say the cost of leaving and cleaving, mistreating your spouse and giving up your body can be pretty expensive, especially if you aren’t willing to rely on God to help you in these areas. These costs are only expensive because you have to pay them each and every day, making them a priority in order to reap the benefits. I’d say the benefit of a strengthened relationship with not only your spouse, but your Savior is worth the costs. Still, you need to heavily consider these costs, because these are just a few of the things that God expects from you in marriage. A Christian marriage is statement that says you volunteer to do and be each of the 3 things I’ve listed here. You volunteer to be judged for your behavior in marriage. You volunteer to be a living representation of God’s love and plan for marriage. Oh, the pressure! I still think anyone in their right mind, who has enough problems already, is crazy to sign themselves up for all this. If you can’t afford to pay these costs, you may not be able to afford marriage…

How will you handle the costs? Are you willing to risk family/friend relationships in order to put your spouse first? Are you prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions when it comes to how you treat your spouse? How committed are you to keeping the Devil from bringing temptation into your marriage?