Dear Husband, No! I Will Not Buy You a Motorcycle

Dear Husband,

Let me first start by saying that I love you and I hate when I have to say no to you. I do believe that this time though, its for the best. Every now and then you like to annoy me by calling me from a different room to ask me a silly question (which I must admit is sometimes pretty funny depending on the question). The last time this happened I was in our bedroom putting away laundry and you were in the living room sitting on the couch looking at two-wheeled death machines on Craigslist. You called out to me as if what you wanted was really urgent and I came racing into the living room to see what you wanted. You then proceeded to ask in your extra excited voice with almost childlike excitement, “Babe, will you buy me a motorcycle?” After I looked at you like you were a complete lunatic, I walked back to the bedroom to finish putting away the laundry. Next, you followed me into the bedroom with the laptop and tried to show me all of these pictures (that I honestly could not appreciate) of motorcycles that you deemed, “Fire” and so I decided to entertain you and look at them with you. After you finished harassing me with motorcycle pictures I began to think about your request a little more. Now I know you would never expect me to actually buy you a motorcycle because I’m a poor graduate student who makes barely enough money to survive in this economy (and remember, you have the real job anyhow). Even if I did have the money I still wouldn’t buy you a motorcycle. Now I know that probably hurts you feelings but just hear me out. I will say this loud and clear so that there is no question: I AM TERRIFIED OF LOSING YOU!

Late last year you took a motorcycle riding class so that you could add to your license that you can legally operate a motorcycle. That’s when I stopped believing that this motorcycle thing was all talk. That’s when it became a reality to me that you may actually purchase a motorcycle someday…and possibly sooner than later. I know that you know all about the statistics about motorcycle deaths so I won’t try to change your mind with those. I know you’d never admit to it, but you do have a bit of an “invincibility complex”. Seriously Babe, I think you are testing fate. I’m scared for you because I’ve been in a car with you. I know that probably stings, but after 11 years of having riding in a car with you, I have to admit that sometimes I still get a little nervous. Now you may say that this is because I don’t like driving or being in a car at all. The reason is that you drive too fast sometimes and what’s worse is, I recognize that you enjoy it (then there’s the little issue of you trying to multi-task while driving that also puts me on edge). I know that you love things that go fast, but that is where you and I are different. You like sports and luxury vehicles that run at high speeds. Give me a simple car to get to and from work, that’s all I need. You like roller coasters. I get a thrill out of playing carnival games and possibly winning a huge teddy bear. You want a speed boat. I’d probably get on but my eyes would be closed the whole time. You want to go skydiving someday. I think this makes you insane and slightly suicidal.

When you were taking your motorcycle riding class I must admit that I was nervous each day until you arrived safely home. I cringe at the things that could happen to you…road rash, broken bones, paralysis, death! What would I do if I lost you? It feels like I just got you. In fact I did just get you. We’ve been married for 1 year and 2 days. I know that you’ll probably still get a motorcycle someday despite anything I say here in this letter to you, but the financial backing will in no way come from me. I would blame myself if helped you buy a motorcycle and something bad happened to you. So, I just want you to know that as long as your motorcycle fixation exists, I will do my part to prevent you from riding. I’ll do this by nagging, putting up a fight, making you feel guilty and being down right nasty if I have to. I’ll do whatever I have to do to keep you off of a motorcycle. In fact I’m willing to bet that the keep to a successful marriage between the two of us is you staying off of a motorcycle. Don’t try and sneak on one behind my back either because the wife finds out everything! And if you dare try to get on a motorcycle and you die…I will never forgive you, EVER! Its not fair of you to cause me so much worry. No, you are not my child and I can’t tell you what to do, but I am very overprotective of your safety because you do belong to me. That being said. I love you and I hope you come to your senses soon. I need you so much and you are absolutely no good to me dead. So to answer your question very seriously, although I know you asked me jokingly…NO! I will not buy you a motorcycle.

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52 Responses to Dear Husband, No! I Will Not Buy You a Motorcycle

  1. Alice X says:

    Motorcycles can be dangerous i understand your concerns. Maybe he should try going to race track or a quad biking place to get it out of his system in a controlled environment.
    My recent post Disneys Bringing Sexy Back

  2. ManWifeDog says:

    I could have written this exact letter word for word to my husband. I have zero tolerance when it comes to motorcycles and talk of them. They terrify me! I just refuse to let him go there, even though he really is annoyed that I won’y budge. In fact, i put that up there on my list of all the things I’m too scared to let him do: 1. Become a cop of fireman. 2. Go scuba diving. 3. Drive a motorcycle. 4. ski-dive. 5. Anything where you have to sign more than the standard waiver! LOL!

  3. larsinnh says:

    oh my, why do men ALWAYS think they want motorcycles?!? i've seen my hubby looking at them on Craigslist, too. *sighhhh*
    My recent post Kitchen Junk!

  4. wefewgfer says:

    Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose

  5. Chris D says:

    As a husband that rides a motorcycle I have to disagree. I've been riding since I was a kid (I'm now 50) and I'm still here. Why deprive your husband of something that could prove to be one of the best experiences of his life? Sounds a little selfish to me. You can be a great wife and let him get a motorcycle if that's what he really wants but also make sure he stays safe. Have him take the Motorcycle Safety Course. Consider this…

    These are the official stats.
    Of fatal motorcycle accidents, 1/3 were speeding, 1/4 were not licensed, and the other 1/4 were drunk. Take those out of the equation, you have less than 25% chance of having a fatal accident.

    Take away those who took a Motorcycle Safety Course and you drop the risk considerably.

    Yes, motorcycle riding can be very dangerous! But if you ride safely and defensively, don't drink and drive (obvious), are properly trained and wear a helmet, you can have a lifetime of enjoyment from it, without a great amount of risk. Do the math….

    Furthermore, I've personally known several people I've lost in car accidents but none of my friends of family have had a fatal motorcycle accident. And that includes the group that I ride with…

    • The Student says:

      I guess I'll just be selfish then because as long as the less than 25% chance still exists…there is still a chance. I think its more selfish for my husband to make me worry about him. Now I understand that there are far many more activities that a person could do that might lead to their death, but I feel like riding a motorcycle is an unnecessary risk. Statistics or not…I'm not going to get on board with this idea. I must admit though that if I had met him and he was already riding, I probably wouldn't be putting up this fight. But that's not our story so the drama will continue. Thanks for all that statistics and for dropping by!

      • mrcandyman says:

        Would you stop him from driving a car? Riding a horse? Walking down the street? These are all very risky activities. But then of course, he would be home all the time, and the home is the leading place for fatal accidents: http://www.ehow.com/list_6518379_common-fatal-acc…

        Perhaps I'm just being biased though because while I have ridden for 13 years, I have had 2 minor accidents, both of which I have walked away from relatively unscathed. I'm also very fortunate to have a woman in my life who wants to get her own bike (even after worrying about me when I texted her about my last crash when I was 1500km away).

      • gues says:

        So I presume that means you wouldn't let him drive a car, or eat any food that hasn't been sterilized, or fly in a plane, or stand outdoors since lightning might strike?

  6. NYStateofMOm says:

    OMG you wrote this letter just so I can print it out and hand it to my Mr, craigslist reference and all!! I'm still hoping he doesn't take that class like he's been talking about and that it just passes…
    My recent post I Almost Clicked the Button

    • The Student says:

      LOL! Honey best of luck! But you know when these guys get something in their minds they have tunnel vision. Unfortunately…mine is licensed to ride. Argh! I'm praying this obsession passes, but it doesn't look likely.

      • Busababe says:

        I'm sure his obsession with you will soon pass too.

        Just saying….

        I HAD a husband like you. Got rid of him and got my motorcycle license. Now I race them as well.

        BTW you don't " drive" a motorcycle, you "ride " one. Sheeeesh !

        Sincerely yours,
        49 year old almost grandmother.

  7. kc_binLove says:

    I'm totally agree with the wife on the letter above, my husband would have to understand… I Love Him too much to encourage reckless actions that are dangerous and possibly deadly. It's always best to apply safety first because thats a way of putting family1st… even with all the training and only riding sometimes it's still very dangerous and risky. Maybe going to a secluded area made just for riding motorcycles, dirt bikes, or ATV's could be fun for the whole family, thats what I always enjoyed growing up. Accidents can always happen anywhere though.

  8. Naomi says:

    Hey Jocelyn, this is a sweet post. Has your husband read it? I love the fact that it shows how your prohibitions on something really just stem from how much you love your husband. I think this is probably mostly the case when couples get into arguments of "I want" vs. "No way!" but most people aren't as good as just coming out and saying what their real underlying concerns are.

  9. Talon says:

    If ANY woman ever asks me to choose between her or motorcycling, I will choose motorcycling every time. Better to die on your feet (so to speak) than live on your knees!

  10. @DerGanove says:

    What if he were to make a "rule" that you were not to go outside due to the risk of you being abducted or rape? Would you listen? Would you follow his rules?

    This is not rhetorical question. I would really like some answers.

    Life comes with risks, albeit as a married couple, it should be discussed, however you should be open to any and all ideas he feels he wants to do. Otherwise your trying to make him what you want him to be, instead of him being himself. You know, the person you wanted to marry (Unless of course you married him for other reasons and are trying to manipulate him into your "perfect man")

  11. alex says:

    If you think skydiving “makes you insane and slightly suicidal”, then you’re not terrified of losing him, but simply have a phobia. Skydiving is the safest activity you mention here, including “being married” (though the spousal murder rate and the skydiving death rate are pretty close).

    I’m especially surprised to read that you were worried about him taking a motorcycle class. In such classes, you only get up to 20 miles per hour, in a closed-off parking lot, on some of the smallest vehicles than can legally be called “motorcycles”, under the constant supervision of a trained instructor. It’s safer than learning to ride a bicycle. I doubt they’ve ever had so much as a sprained ankle in the history of the classes.

    You say that any “nagging, putting up a fight, making you feel guilty and being down right nasty” is for his benefit, but your assessment of the relative risks of these activities is completely off. I think you have some issues to work out. Perhaps you should take a motorcycle safety course or a skydiving class, even though you never plan to do these things yourself. Knowledge is often the first step in overcoming one’s irrational fear.

    Good luck!

  12. Travs says:

    You are no longer allowed to go out at night to any dance clubs with the girls. It is just too risky.

  13. miksane says:

    Fuck everything about this article, if op rode a bike she would see how amazing it is. Constricting ass wives like you make me angry, so close minded and selfish to the new things your husband wants to expirience.

  14. BiG FinK says:

    Man, I feel sorry for the poor s.o.b. that married your contg ass. Clearly you have no interest in not being alone the rest of your miserable life. Enjoy your divorce.

  15. Andrew K says:

    Our loved ones are scared when we ride, but so are we. Us motorcycle riders aren’t a suicidal group. We just accept the risk to reward ratio. The pleasure, joy and relaxation is so immense. We do get scared all the time too. There is no question in our mind, going down a road and seeing the ground pass by you so quick that you have to be careful. I will warn you, if he truly wants this, if this is something he daydreams about during the day, and you fight him at every turn, he will resent you; I did with my ex. I have been blessed by a woman who wanted to understand my passion for riding and took the MSF class, never plans on riding; but wanted to understand, wanted to know what brought me so much joy besides her.

    • kaan says:

      I totally agree with this man right here. My fiance lets me do whatever I think will make me happy because she knows that, at the end of the day, keeping me from doing what I want to do will only create resentment.

      I told myself before I ever entered a relationship that I would never give up something I wanted to do just because a girl told me she didn't want me to do it. If she doesn't support me in every way, then she is not the girl for me.

    • The Student says:

      You know, I honestly can't relate to the exhilaration one might feel when riding a motorcycle simply because I find the kind my hubby likes really loud and quite terrifying. I do appreciate your expression of how you feel when riding since I've never heard the perspective of the riding being relaxing. Also, I did not mean to imply that people who ride are suicidal. That was just an extreme way (and really me pleading with him) of trying to get my husband to see my viewpoint that he should get more training beyond the licensing requirement. I just don't feel like you should get your license and then buy the biggest loudest bike you can find which was his immediate plan before I expressed my concerns. Thankfully we've come to a compromise that helps to settle my fears…he's going to look into taking more extensive lessons prior to outright buying a motorcycle. It is not my wish to keep him from anything that he enjoys, but it is my wish that he seriously considers his personal safety over his personal enjoyment. At the time I wrote him this letter he was not in that line of thinking so I sound more irritated and controlling than anything, but I do express in the letter my fear that he'll get hurt. I can't see why people have a problem with that…it is a possibility. He literally told me he'd teach himself. This was really a matter of his excitement going a bit overboard. What I wanted, and eventually what I got from him was a little more thought. At first, sure, I was totally against it, now, after the compromise, I am a little more comfortable. I am more than willing to take a class with him as I think this would help my fears to subside even more.

      I'm not worrying about him resenting me because my not wanting him to ride never came from a place of wanting him under my thumb or me trying to control him. It came from a place of trying to get him to really think this plan to purchase and learn to ride on his own though a lot more. I'm sorry to hear that your previous relationship didn't work out, but I am glad that you've found someone who understands your passion and is supportive. Be safe and God bless!

  16. BudCAD says:

    No offense but the tone of your letter is one of a disapproving parent, not an equal in a marriage. Your quote "you belong to me" is a sad one. His resentment toward you for flat out denying him something unequivocally could lead to resentment and hard feelings when you want something in future. Motorcycling can be safe, and fun and something you could do together. Take a safety course together, show some interest but don't badger the poor guy.

    • The Student says:

      This letter was written for two reasons. The first was to highlight my husband's childlike excitement (which I think is wonderful) and how he kids around with me about making things sound urgent when they're really not. The second was to express how much I love my husband and my concern for his safety. After writing this post my husband and I discussed my concerns. The first was primarily that he wanted to purchase the biggest motorcycle he could find and not have any additional riding training outside of the requirements for licensing. I just didn't think it was a good idea. Since this letter, we came up with a plan that says if he takes additional lessons, tries going out on the track and maybe just purchases a smaller bike to start, I'd be much more comfortable with his choice. I never meant to disrespect those whose choice it was to ride motorcycles.

      The parts where I sound like a "disapproving parent" were simply to add an air of sarcasm to the letter merely for entertainment purposes. I do not want to represent myself as a wife who belittles her husband. I respect him too much for that. Even the parts where I said I'd kick and scream to prevent him from riding were in jest. Since he understands my personality, he also knows that I was not serious about that statement. It was merely meant to be funny, but also to express my fears. Hubby read the post and what he saw was a woman who loves him more than anything attempting to explain that she's scared of losing him. We really talked at length about my concerns. It was a refreshing conversation. My husband took the time to place himself in my shoes and I put myself in his. He didn't invalidate my feelings and then we came the compromises listed above. This is what marriage is all about!

      My husband does belong to me and I belong to him. For the most part those words were taken out of context by many of the readers. Since this was a letter to my husband, he knows exactly what I meant when I used this phrase. I'll explain…I in no way think of my husband in terms of being a dog or something of that nature that person owns. What I meant by saying "you belong to me" was with respect to my commitment to treat him as if he is the most important person in my life because he is a gift from God. God saw fit to bring us into the ministry of marriage and every morning that I wake up I thank God for sending this man into my life. We belong to one another. We pledged our lives to one another when we married. We belong to each other because God joined us together and we belong to God. As his wife I will sacrifice for his betterment, I will pray for him and I will advise when I think his actions are foolish. I will be vulnerable with him and express my fears. I will listen and I will compromise with him.

      Looking back at the letter I can see how many would have thought it was disrespectful or that I was trying to guilt him into not riding. While my personal preference is for him to stay away from motorcycles I know that is just not going to happen. Will I divorce him for it? No. Will I guilt him about it? No. What I will do is ensure that he knows how I feel and is taking every measure to stay as safe as possible doing the things that he loves. Am I worried about him resenting me? Absolutely not!

      • BudCAD says:

        Oh, I certainly felt no disrespect or judgement. Sounds like you've reached a nice compromise. That's what couples do. I'm glad. Best of luck to you and your husband. My girl Cori and I ride all the time and have helmet to helmet communication system. There's something about being together and being isolated together that we both love. Take care.

  17. Bill says:

    I'm so glad my girlfriend is better than you. You're a terrible person.

  18. Jason says:

    This is the worst blog I have ever read in my life. You do not own your husband

  19. Buckets says:

    I feel so sorry for this poor deluded woman and those that agree with her. In what world do you possibly consider that you "own" your husband. I would never ever consider that I "own" my wife. She is not a possession, a thing to own and control.
    I truly hope that for this poor womans sake that this man retakes possession of his testicles and gives her a good honouring, but only after he goes for a good long ride on his motorcycle.

  20. IMick says:

    Is this supposed to ba a site about happy marriages? Hahahahahahaah, and the letter at top is for real? Oh dear. Sure fire way to find yourself single, bint.

  21. Pete says:

    Jocelyn,
    Maturity is about facing your fears instead of letting them rule you.

  22. gconsier says:

    I was curious if you had ever read this page.. I think you might find it rather thought provoking considering the tone of the page I am commenting on.
    http://scienceofmarriageblog.com/the-professor/
    My recent post Happy Valentine’s Day from Science of Marriage Blog

    • The Student says:

      I only profess that I am a student in this thing called marriage. No, I certainly don't get it right everyday. Lord knows I don't, but God is working in me to help influence others based on my struggles. So what is written here is what we aim for in our relationship, however; we all fall short because we are not perfect. So on the days when I fail, and believe me we all fail, I repent, I pick myself back up, trust that I have God's forgiveness and I try to move towards having a better relationship with God and with my spouse. Even I, a Christian, as imperfect as I may be, have days when others may need to call me out on my shortcomings (i.e. the motorcycle article). We all have them. It's not an excuse, just an opportunity to grow in Christ. Be blessed.

  23. Brian Galhouse says:

    I'm so sorry you feel this way. A part of me dies every time I hear this rationale to exhibit control over another and prevent them from living a fulfilled life. It's a shame to simply exist, not allowed to experiment with everything life has to offer. I have three kids, an amazing wife, and a motorcycle that ends up being far more affordable per year than any bills I'd be paying to a therapist. My wife treats me like an adult, and I ride like an adult who has a wife and three children at home. It's not as hard as you think.

    • The Student says:

      I wish you'd take some time to read all of the comments below. What you'd see is that this letter was written a long time ago and my husband and I have since come to a compromise regarding his riding activities. This letter was a way for me to get my feelings out. My hubby actually had a good laugh at it because he knows I'd never speak to him in this manner. What I was pouring out on paper (on this blog post) was my innermost fear of losing him. It's hard for me to understand how most readers can't pick up on that even though I've stated it directly. What this was in a sort was…my personal therapy. Sometimes I write my feelings out so that I can see exactly what motivates them. In this case it was fear, not an attempt to be controlling. Now I realize that my fear was controlling me and causing me to have a controlling attitude. It was an attempt to control my fears. Didn't work out well… Part of me regrets making this post public while the other part has learned a lot from what I've written. What I've learned since writing this is and what I hope to have influenced other couples to do is "What Not To Do" based on the backlash I got from the commenters. It is wrong to try to control a person. It is wrong to guilt trip them and threaten them with ultimatums. This was my season for learning these things. I'm just thankful I have a husband who has helped me to learn how to compromise, to speak calmly regarding our disagreements and do so with love and understanding.

      While I am still uncomfortable with him riding at all I know that he is an adult, he is going to do what he wants to do, but my primary concern is that he does things as you have stated…with your wife and family in the forefront of your mind.

  24. Rich says:

    I am in a similar situation; most of my younger years in Florida I used a Bike as my primary transportation. I now live in Ohio and here it is more of a luxury. After years of hard work I am in the market for a nice bike to enjoy the feeling of riding again. My wife however is dead set against it. Again sighting the dangers. I have been in commercial construction for the last 25 years. I have known people who died. The last 25 years I spent most of my day over 20 feet in the air. But somehow, a motorcycle will be the end of me? I observe all the safety requirements in my job and that why in 25 years I have never been injured. When I rode in FL I also observed safety and never had an accident.

    Don’t let your fears affect someone else. My wife’s sister is afraid of flying so when they vacation she makes her husband drive 40 hrs to and from Florida. And she doesn’t work so because of her fears he spends most of is vacation behind the wheel.

  25. Monique says:

    Jocelyn, Contrary to how most people have responded to your letter, I feel you and the emotions that you portray when you "spoke" to your husband through this post. I can see you were coming from a good place and had the best intent, and am glad your husband understands. I just don't see how a lot of people who responded are finding you "controlling" ! your tone of writing does not suggest that at all. I am glad that you shared this letter and i hope you will continue to do so. I enjoy your blogs and i really loved how you put your feelings in this particular letter which was a success gauging from the later discussion you had with hubby. all the best and keep doing your thing.

  26. Renea says:

    Since only one person can ride on a motorcycle at one time, many states allow driving on the street with just the learners permit. However, if you don't know what you are doing, you might easily get hurt.
    My recent post Alpe D Huez Skiing

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