Let me first start by saying that I love you and I hate when I have to say no to you. I do believe that this time though, its for the best. Every now and then you like to annoy me by calling me from a different room to ask me a silly question (which I must admit is sometimes pretty funny depending on the question). The last time this happened I was in our bedroom putting away laundry and you were in the living room sitting on the couch looking at two-wheeled death machines on Craigslist. You called out to me as if what you wanted was really urgent and I came racing into the living room to see what you wanted. You then proceeded to ask in your extra excited voice with almost childlike excitement, “Babe, will you buy me a motorcycle?” After I looked at you like you were a complete lunatic, I walked back to the bedroom to finish putting away the laundry. Next, you followed me into the bedroom with the laptop and tried to show me all of these pictures (that I honestly could not appreciate) of motorcycles that you deemed, “Fire” and so I decided to entertain you and look at them with you. After you finished harassing me with motorcycle pictures I began to think about your request a little more. Now I know you would never expect me to actually buy you a motorcycle because I’m a poor graduate student who makes barely enough money to survive in this economy (and remember, you have the real job anyhow). Even if I did have the money I still wouldn’t buy you a motorcycle. Now I know that probably hurts you feelings but just hear me out. I will say this loud and clear so that there is no question: I AM TERRIFIED OF LOSING YOU!
Late last year you took a motorcycle riding class so that you could add to your license that you can legally operate a motorcycle. That’s when I stopped believing that this motorcycle thing was all talk. That’s when it became a reality to me that you may actually purchase a motorcycle someday…and possibly sooner than later. I know that you know all about the statistics about motorcycle deaths so I won’t try to change your mind with those. I know you’d never admit to it, but you do have a bit of an “invincibility complex”. Seriously Babe, I think you are testing fate. I’m scared for you because I’ve been in a car with you. I know that probably stings, but after 11 years of having riding in a car with you, I have to admit that sometimes I still get a little nervous. Now you may say that this is because I don’t like driving or being in a car at all. The reason is that you drive too fast sometimes and what’s worse is, I recognize that you enjoy it (then there’s the little issue of you trying to multi-task while driving that also puts me on edge). I know that you love things that go fast, but that is where you and I are different. You like sports and luxury vehicles that run at high speeds. Give me a simple car to get to and from work, that’s all I need. You like roller coasters. I get a thrill out of playing carnival games and possibly winning a huge teddy bear. You want a speed boat. I’d probably get on but my eyes would be closed the whole time. You want to go skydiving someday. I think this makes you insane and slightly suicidal.
When you were taking your motorcycle riding class I must admit that I was nervous each day until you arrived safely home. I cringe at the things that could happen to you…road rash, broken bones, paralysis, death! What would I do if I lost you? It feels like I just got you. In fact I did just get you. We’ve been married for 1 year and 2 days. I know that you’ll probably still get a motorcycle someday despite anything I say here in this letter to you, but the financial backing will in no way come from me. I would blame myself if helped you buy a motorcycle and something bad happened to you. So, I just want you to know that as long as your motorcycle fixation exists, I will do my part to prevent you from riding. I’ll do this by nagging, putting up a fight, making you feel guilty and being down right nasty if I have to. I’ll do whatever I have to do to keep you off of a motorcycle. In fact I’m willing to bet that the keep to a successful marriage between the two of us is you staying off of a motorcycle. Don’t try and sneak on one behind my back either because the wife finds out everything! And if you dare try to get on a motorcycle and you die…I will never forgive you, EVER! Its not fair of you to cause me so much worry. No, you are not my child and I can’t tell you what to do, but I am very overprotective of your safety because you do belong to me. That being said. I love you and I hope you come to your senses soon. I need you so much and you are absolutely no good to me dead. So to answer your question very seriously, although I know you asked me jokingly…NO! I will not buy you a motorcycle.